Well folks, you might as well grab a seat because this is going to be a long one. At the young age of twenty seven I find dating to be interesting, appalling, amusing, discouraging and sometimes ALL OF THE ABOVE! To justify my reasoning, I will provide you all with real life situations (both new and old) and you can let me know if I am being just plain bitter on being single or understand why I am still single!
Experience #1: Some of you have heard this story before but lets face it, it never gets old and can be used as an ice breaker... so... Once Upon A Time, Dee decided to go out on a limb and drive ALLLLLLL the way to Phoenix to go on a date (mistake #1: girl drives TWO hours to a guy on a first date) Dee finally arrives at date's house and was greeted at the door by him and then left there to see date's dad in nothing but his underwear, TWICE. (mistake #2: Dee did NOT run to her car and drive home) So being the laid back person that I am decided to say hey, this kind of stuff happens all the time on dates so why not see how things go. We proceed to go to dinner and arrive there via CROTCH ROCKET. (mistake #3: trusting a complete stranger to go 90+ on a bike) Desperately pulling the helmet off my head and taking most of my make-up and hairspray with it decided that I was starving and the ride back to my car might be a little better. So patiently waiting for dinner to arrive I was lost in an EXCITING story, and for those of you that know me they are exciting although sometimes my mom thinks it takes me FOREVER to tell one, well, in this EXCITING story I said the "S" word (it happens and yes, I am working on that part of my vocabulary even to this day) and before I could even get the "T" out of my mouth of the four letter word I found my mouth struggling to say anything else..... and you wonder why that is??? Well, let me tell you the rest of it.... HIS HAND WAS COVERING MY MOUTH and all I could hear was his face judging me by saying, and I quote, "Now, Now, We don't need a potty mouth", end quote! (mistake #4: I didn't bite his hand or mutter another curse word at him) Needless to say, I awkwardly laughed it off and focused on the light at the end of the tunnel which turned out to be my dome light in my car, which meant home free..... NOT quite yet though.... After an awkward dinner there was the ride home. So I had to squeeze my head once more into that helmet and head back to my car... NOT quite yet though... as we rode around Tempe area he thought it would be a good idea to stop at the SCUMdevil stadium (mistake #5: he was a sundevil .... ewwww) After a quick tour of hell we made it back to my car and I gave a quick hug, should have been a high five and sped off into the night!
Experience #2: I'll try to keep this experience to less typing..... as I met this next guy at a friend's party I thought to myself... hopefully I can make it through the date without being reprimanded. So we end up going to a play (which at first I thought would be SO boring, but it actually turned out to be pretty dang awesome. It was about the life of Janis Joplin, an amazing life) So the play ended and it was then time to go eat....... as he suggested King Fisher the thought of EWWWWW was the first thing that went through my mind. (mistake#1: not speaking up about not liking seafood) So instead of being that annoying date and complaining I said, ya that sounds good... all while thinking I hope they have salad on the menu. So we arrived to a secluded King Fisher and was seated by a waiter that knew my date, I'll come back to him in a minute. So looking over the menu my thoughts shouted out in hurray that they indeed had salad on the menu so that's what I proceeded to order. Well my date thought it would be a good idea (mistake #2: thinking that your date had a good idea) to order an appetizer. So as I politely argued that I didn't like MUSCLES (not the kind buff guys have, the kind you eat, YUK) he insisted on ordering them when all of a sudden I heard, and I quote, "Don't be a (insert 'P' word)" end quote. REALLY!?!?! Who says that to a girl, especially on a first date, maybe that's the time I should have used the 'S' word. Still surprised I am on this date our entrees arrive and have nowhere to spit my gum, do to cloth napkins, I asked the waiter if he had paper I could spit my gum out on.... and he proceeded and insisted I spit my gum in his hand!!!!! So, I did! So if that wasn't bad enough I totally got pecked to death, wait, let me rephrase that... he kissed like a CHICKEN which pretty much ended the night. (mistake #3: I didn't end the night after being called names)
Experience #3: So I turned to the wonderful life of online dating, which should be another blog in itself.. but this experience is too good not to dedicate to this entry. So after going to a church function I found myself at home still wide awake so I thought, hey, who might of checked me out online.... so as I scramble to enter my password I found that I had a message. So I eagerly opened it and it read, "Hey were you at institute (church activity), the one wearing the UofA sweatshirt? (YES, always sportin' the RED and BLUE) Surprisingly enough, he totally pegged me. (mistake #1: not realizing he was all talk behind a computer, more on that in a minute) So after a few emails back and forth he asked if I wanted to go on a date and I agreed. (maybe that's my issue, I agree to go on these dates, ha ha) Anyhow, so we end up going to dinner and chatting about my move to Mesa etc, etc and we made our way to the movie theater. (mistake #2: went to the movies on a first date) As we were watching 'Couples Retreat', yes awkward movie for a first date, he started rubbing my back, yes awkward for a first date. So to have you understand the rest of the story I need to fill you in on a little secret of mine, when I get nervous or uncomfortable my body temperature rises, I don't know why or how to really explain it but it does, ok back to story. So as he is rubbing my back my uncomfortable sensors go off and guess what, my body temperature rises. Movie ended and we find ourselves chatting on the way home and my date is asking me about my 'Love Language', again, awkward because I have NO idea what he is either talking about or insinuating. So he goes on to explain this book all the mean while he has started to rub my back (in the car) and once AGAIN my uncomfortable sensors go off and my body temperature begins to rise. As this phenomenon is occurring I hear him say, and quote, "I'm sorry I got you all hot and bothered in the theater", end quote. WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?! I know it's been awhile since I had a boyfriend let alone a date but come on, it's gonna take a little more than rubbing my back in a movie theater on a first date. I was surprised I wasn't sweating bullets on how uncomfortable I was at this point. (I quit inserting my mistakes on this one because there are far too many) So again, I through out the awkward laugh and am happy to see my house. As he walks me to the door I immediately do a somewhat sort of side hug and thank him for the date as he is peaking in the back yard to see a pool (more on that later) So he mentions hanging out again and I just mumble something and head in the house. So I make the trek down the green mile to my room and before I could even pick up the phone to share my awkward date with someone I received a text. WOW, this guy must of had an awesome time, I mean who wouldn't, get a girl all hot and bothered on the first date who knows what the second one will be like. So the text went on to say how we should have jumped in the pool and made out... oh ya, I forgot I wasn't fifteen anymore! The text was followed by a picture text..... oh boy, you ready for this... it was a picture of his half naked body, and the funny part is... the picture was taken about four days before I even went on a date with this guy.... and as my mom asked, "which half" (ha ha ha) it was him with his shirt off, so ya not that 'revealing' but who sends four day old half naked pictures on the first date!??!?! To round up this experience I will let you know that I was contacted by him months later when I made a trip to New York (and if you haven't been there, you should totally go) I was destined to make it to Wall Street and ride "the bull"... and I did just that. So eagerly I uploaded my picture on facebook and updated my status to, "I rode the beast" (BIGGEST mistake of all) I then received an email just a few hours later from scandalous picture sender that stated and I quote, "Well, if you dated me you wouldn't have had to wait so long to ride the beast" which was followed by a relationship change on his behalf a week later to ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!
This list of experiences could go on for quite some time I tell you...... but I will leave you on this note which is the most recent 'issue' I have been experiencing in the dating world and I will let you be the judge of how this one will turn out.....
Anonymous texter: "So I got to thinking and I feel bad for you for two reasons. 1) you complained (lie #1) about not knowing anyone here and I was lobbing up grapefruits for you to knock out of the park with that one (don't understand that but whatever) 2) I'm a damn good kisser. Damn good. A few dates with me and you might have been in for a real treat. [four hours goes by without a response from Dee] Yeah... don't say anything. Just make yourself look like a bigger jerk than you alredy do. I'm a jerk yes.. but at least I'll admit it and I'm honest"
Well, I don't know about you guys, but it looks like I am missing out on a "real treat"!!!!!
Until the next date..........
